i realised my movie sucked, and i was the only one who could edit it....

sorry for the time between posts! i have to admit... i've found myself really finding it tough to make the time to update this thing. but, lots has happened since i last wrote.. so there may be a fury of these if i can keep up on it.  i also just want to say thank you for everyone who reads this thing, because i have to admit that i just simply am unable to keep up to date with other people's blogs. it doesn't matter how important or special you are to me, i am just a total write-off when it comes to keeping up on these things, so for those that actually read this...  it really means a lot to me that you haven't written me off due to this and keep reading. so thank you.

in the time since i last wrote, i was able to take a trip to lake malawi. 

it wasn't the same type of adventure as my expedition on mount mulanje... but it was definitely a great trip. i went to a part of the lake that is a bit remote, and had the most relaxing time. to get there i hitch-hiked and took a mini-bus to a town called monkey bay.. after arriving there, i had to round up a 'motola' (motorbike) ride down a 25km stretch of dirt road to a place called cape maclear, and from there rented a kayak and kayaked for an hour to the island that i spent my time at. 

it was a really fun combination of travel, but the motola ride was hands down one of the scariest things i've been apart of. the dude who drove didn't speak a word of english, drove unfathomably fast and recklessly for a dirt road that looked like land mines had gone off along it, and i had nothing but shorts and t-shirt on and a helmet that was provided that was a construction helmet with a rubber strap to hold it onto your head, haha. it was quite the experience.. but i survived. 

once arriving at the island, i found out that i was the only person who was staying there... and took advantage of that fact by doing a whole lot of nothing... i explored the island, swam a couple times a day, read a few books, went for kayak trips around the island, journaled a lot, and just in general relaxed and took in the fact that i had an island to myself. the picture below is a pretty good representation of what my days were like... [huge thanks to my mom for lending me the e-reader for this trip... it's been the greatest thing!]

with the amount of time available to read and reflect during this trip, i figured i'd take some time to download a bit of what i've been thinking about. 

i've been doing a bit of reading since i've been here about some african history and current african politics, and i was struck by a quote from the first kenyan president jomo kenyatti... he said "when the missionaries came to africa, they had the bible and we had the land. they said 'let us pray'. we closed our eyes and when we opened them... we had the bible, and they had the land". 

the truth of the matter is that i've found it really hard to be here in malawi, and at the centre in general.... i'm a white dude working in a christian-run orphanage in africa. the amount of pain, suffering and hurt that are associated with that sentence alone is enough to make me want to vomit. 

every day i'm faced with the ill-effects that colonialism and christianity have had on this culture... 

it's my first time really facing some of these questions outside of a history book, and it's been a really tough experience for me, to be honest. the questions for me come because as i am face to face with the destruction that christianity specifically has brought to this place, i am unable to shake the fact that i am moving closer and closer to embracing the man whose teachings have been used to justify some of the most horrific ideas and actions in human history. from the ever-present issues at home in canada with the residential school programs to the lasting effects of the missionary movement here in malawi and colonised countries in general; the writing is on the wall when it comes to the history of christianity... and while i'm all for not beating a dead horse and allowing a different future to be painted with the same brush that the past was painted with... it just doesn't seem like we've taken much away from the outrageous amount of opportunities we've had to learn from our mistakes. 

we rape and pillage an earth that we're so concerned with proving that god and not evolution created. we wage war against abortion and the death of the unborn, while we chalk up the death of innocent women, children, and men as collateral damage in wars fought in interest of national security. we take sides in conflicts happening across the world; claiming that one side has the right to kill, oppress and dehumanise the other because they are god's chosen people. so, when i read the teachings of christ and look around; i just can't help but feel pretty unenthusiastic about track record or future of the religion that has come to bear his name.... 

but while i am living amongst this total cluster-cuss, i cannot escape the fact that i am experiencing the truth of what jesus taught. i am really being challenged on my cynicism while i am here, and thank goodness... because if i just sat in the negative, i'd be completely consumed, haha. but i am really using this trip to not just deconstruct the negative things (which i'm really, really good at), and start to look at how can i be apart of the solution. i was really hit in the face with the idea that while my ability to think critically and see the negative is actually a gift, that unless i moved forward after seeing the wrong.. that i would end up an angry, cynical old man with nothing to give to anyone. it's really easy for me to pick out the wrong... to define myself by what i stand against. but what i've really been challenged with on this trip is to become what i am about, not only defining myself by what i'm not about.  

so, as i move from just a negative view point and ask what hope is there in these circumstances that seem absolutely hopeless, i have come face to face with a hope that is beyond my understanding. i am hesitant to put words to it; but in the face of all this destruction and seeming hopelessness... i have found hope that there can be reconciliation, restoration, redemption, justice, and peace... and beyond that, that that hope is rooted in the fact that god is about these things as well. but that in itself is a really tough thing for me, as that has been used to fuel and justify so many horrendous acts through history, as we try and define what that looks like. 

ah, i don't know... i'm really rambling now so i'll end this. and this is by no means the only thing i've been thinking about, but it is definitely a reality that i live in, and i'm sorry that it ended up being a verbal vomitting session.