they say they never really miss you 'till you dead or you gone, so on that note i'm leaving after the song...

if you are reading this, it means that you have decided to not write me off for the outrageous irony of my last post that was pleading with people to look at issues in canada and what we can do at home instead of on a global scale. oh, did i mention i leave in 15 hours for an orphanage in africa?

anyways... this is my last entry before i actually head out, and the only reason i'm writing this is because i can't sleep. but not in a christmas eve, giddy to wake up kinda way...

i'm really wrestling with the idea of what this trip's purpose is. what am i doing heading to africa after i spent the last two years working towards making a difference in issues facing where i live. the idea that i am able to 'help'. the idea that has been ingrained in me that there is hurt in the world and i can fix it.

can i?

right from jr. high i was bombarded with these opportunities to go on trips to third world countries and help people. and i went... i did your stereotypical 'building houses in mexico' trip, and felt awesome about myself. i helped build a house, i did a cute little puppet show, and changed lives... right? right?! (well, i more just bought fake oakley's and blew stuff up on the beach)

i don't know. looking at all these YWAM trips and youth group trips i see plugging up my facebook feed, and even looking at this trip i'm about to go on... i wonder where we got the idea that just because we were "blessed" enough to be born into a country or city or skin colour or family that is wealthier than 90% of the world, that we are able to "fix" the problems of the people who were "unfortunate" enough to be born into a country or city or skin colour or family that is poorer than us... and that somehow we believe we can do that in a short time period.

and, to be honest... aren't these trips really for our benefit, and not the people we are intending to help?

i guess the old saying 'we have met the enemy, and the enemy is us' plays in my head... it's funny that we want to help, but often cause more hurt than we do good. we walk in with our western ideas and understandings and assume that if we apply those to the situations that these people in poverty are facing, that we will fix them. not to mention, often we are more of a drain on the people there (accommodations, food, time, etc..) than if we had never shown up.

the idea that the white man flies in and saves the day is my biggest nightmare. that i ride in on a plane that the people i'm coming to 'help' would never even dream of ever having a chance to fly on... drastically impact people's lives, maybe stumble upon the answer to that pesky clean water issue, have all the right answers, and get a nice little pat on the back from the UNICEF director and give a speech as i accept some mother theresa award.

now, don't get me wrong... i don't believe this. i honestly don't. even as i worked through whether i should do this trip at all, i struggled with these questions. everyone wants to help, but what is a way i can actually help? what is helping? can i even accomplish this in a culture i don't understand? do people in the third world really need more rich people waltzing into their world and acting like they have the answers? like we know how to do things better than they do? like on my mexico trip... as a grade 9 kid, did i really know how to paint a roof better than the local people did? doubtful. i mean, let's be honest... as a 26 year old kid i doubt i can paint a roof better than 99% of the world. but every once and a while that though crosses my mind... that damn pride sneaks in. the messy truth that lies somewhere between 'i have something to offer' and 'i really don't know jack'.

so, i'll stop rambling.. i don't even know what it is exactly that i am trying to say. but, i guess through all this... all i hope for is that i can minimize my negative impact on this world, and specifically on this country i'm about to waste all these fossil fuels to get to. i don't pray much, but my prayer is that for these three months that i would have an attitude of learning and service.. that i would be able to fully put to rest the attitude that i can fix anything, and that i would simply be able to be present with the people of that region and learn from them. see the world through their eyes as best as i can. gain an understanding and a context as best as i can in 3 months and then be open to do what i am truly needed to do. and if all i am truly needed to do is shut up, stop trying and just be... then let it be.

"now, if you can't respect that your whole perspective is whack, maybe you'll love me when i fade to black...."